What’s Wrong
Have you ever been in a relatively good mood, when for whatever reason someone asks you “What’s wrong?” All of a sudden your mind floods with every possible reason why things are not going your way.
As well intentioned as people are when they ask such a question, it has an ill effect. It’s like typing “bad things about ________ ” into a search engine. What you pull up on your mental screen are the worst elements of the situation.
It is unlikely that we will go through life without others asking us this question. So then, what can we do about it? The answer is, reprogram your own search engine.
Here is what I hear in my own mind when someone asks this question:
What’s wrong?
YIKES!!! Alarm! Ding, ding, ding! Red flag! Red flag…
Quick, think of three reasons why things are wonderful!!!!
What does this do? It reverses the effect of the question. Now when someone says, “What’s wrong?” I answer with three reasons why things are wonderful. Trust me no one is going to stop you and say “Excuse me, the question was what is wrong!”
I have had a few people say things like “You looked upset for a moment?” To this I just respond with “No, not at all! I was concentrating on _______ “or “I wonder what the best way is to ________” The key is not letting yourself get sucked into a pity party. No good comes from complaining. It is much better to take constructive action or at minimum get thoughts flowing in a positive direction.
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October 2nd, 2007 @ 6:55 pm
It can be useful to remind ourselves there’s always a flip side, that is, a blessing about whatever is happening. For anyone tempted to focus on what’s wrong, I would encourage them to openly acknowledge what is good and going right. The more you talk about positive things, the less energy you have left to make yourself feel bad. We always have choices.
October 2nd, 2007 @ 10:45 pm
I love the comparison to a search engine. You are so right. Why just list a bunch of negative stuff? I’ll have to remember this the next time I am asked that question.
Yesterday I allowed myself to wallow in the negative for a while and it was so terrible! I don’t know why I did that.
October 3rd, 2007 @ 6:31 am
Liara- I love the way you stated that “The more you talk about positive things, the less energy you have left to make yourself feel bad.”
Bob- We all tend to do that to ourselves at times. I don’t know why even those of us who know better tend to punish ourselves like that at times. At least when we know better we do it less often.
October 3rd, 2007 @ 10:28 pm
Have you noticed how often people are quick to comment on “how tired” you look as well? And how that comment has the same effect of all other negative comments — it puts you in that space to feel how you have been described. I think this is particularly important to remember about our own language — both to ourselves and to others. Too often we say things automatically without really thinking about what is coming out. And it is hard work to be conscious of what you are expressing — but well worth it! …. Jeanne
October 4th, 2007 @ 1:06 am
The more we remind ourselves time is a human invention, the more we can realize that fulfilling our function in this life and knowing happiness have nothing to do with perception of right and wrong. That distinction distracts us from a deeper purpsoe.
October 4th, 2007 @ 8:19 am
Hi Priscilla, You are so right! I was taking my daughter to nursery school and saw a dad of another kid that is always a bit negative. He said “wow I heard Christina has been sick - that must have been so tough”. When people ask questions like this it is so easy to answer in the negative but I was proud of myself — I got myself together and said ‘No, it wasn’t bad at all — Christina is a strong girl and it gave us some down time together”. Whoo hoo — is this stuff actually sinking in?! Now to apply it to the other areas where I have an even tougher time seeing the bright side! : ) Love your blog!
Jenny
October 4th, 2007 @ 10:58 am
Jeanne- You are absolutely right, these principals can be applied to any question that negatively shifts your focus. And, we do have a responsibility to watch what we say to others.
Liara- That would make a great blog post in itself… Thanks for sharing today!
Jenny- Great job!!! I love it when we have those “Is this stuff really sinking in?!” moments. It makes all the effort invested worthwhile (especially for those of us who have turned it into a career!)
October 8th, 2007 @ 10:44 pm
I hate hate when people ask me that. “What’s wrong?” Stupid people asking stupid questions. That’s what.
To be serious, That’s the sort of thing that brings out the worst in people. It’s like telling someone, “Now don’t embarrass me at the party tonight.” Why would you make that assumption?
October 9th, 2007 @ 1:24 pm
Fiar- The great thing about all this is that now you now know what to do in reaction to such a question. You now have control!
June 23rd, 2009 @ 10:38 am
Great article. You are right, when someone asks me that question, it immediately starts to bring me down. I will try to be aware of that too, because I am sure at some point, I have asked a person or two that before as well. If you are concerned about a person, what would be the best way as to inquire about how they are feeling in your opinion?
August 5th, 2009 @ 2:41 pm
Hi Chris,
In my opinion the best thing to do is offer positive support. If they say something negative help them see something positive about the situation. For instance, my father just past away. It seemed to just give my family a reason to hurt when people said things like “I’m sorry, or I feel badly for you.” However, I noticed that it helped when people said things like “he is in a better place, or even something humorous, my brother made me laugh when he told me about how he had had a talk with dad about God right before dad passed. My dad said “Don’t worry about that kid, I’m okay with God, I’m just worried about what your mother is going to do to me when I get there!” This made all of my family laugh and helped us to realize he is now with the family members who have passed before him.