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I have been reading a book by Mark Bryan called “Codes of Love (How to Rethink Your Family and Remake Your Life)”.  Sometimes a book hits home in a way that really does make you rethink what you always thought you knew.  I’d like to share with you some of what I’ve learned. 

 
RESPONSIBILITY:

In today’s society we are often taught to place blame on anything other than ourselves.  The problem with this is by saying  “It isn’t my fault.”  We lose the ability to improve.  No matter how painful the situation is (like it or not) if you want the power to change it, then you must accept responsibility for it.

 
MEMORIES:

We have the ability to choose memories to validate whatever scenario we like.  If we tell ourselves we had a horrible childhood we will pull out horrible memories to prove it.  The longer we hold to this theory of a bad childhood the more bad memories we collect at the forefront of our minds.  And, the worse our childhood seems.

This also works in reverse.  If you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood, you will remember the good times.  You will then bring these wonderful memories to the forefront of your mind and your childhood will seem wonderful. 

We will pull up the memories we want for the purpose at hand.  Emotionally charged memories are remembered more easily and in more detail than other memories.  Therefore, if you are looking for bad, scary, or painful memories they are likely to come to mind with little effort and in abundance.  However, just because a memory is easily accessible in great detail does not mean it is accurate.  In fact no memory can ever be exactly accurate.  They are all tainted by our own ideals.

 
TRY TO SEE THE OTHER POINT OF VIEW:

When thinking about the past look for understanding.  We all see things “our way” but, there are always at least two sides to every story.  How does it look from the other side?

You may feel that your mother ruined your life when you were 15 years old and wanted to marry that college boy who told you he’d give you the moon.  Your mother on the other hand may have been trying to protect her only daughter from making the same mistake she did (and has regretted for the past 25 years.)

Our parents are only human.  All humans make mistakes.  None of us are perfect.  When we understand this it is easier to understand, to forgive, and to feel compassion.  If you are still having trouble…  Concentrate more on how you can be a better son or daughter for your parent. 

   
LOOK FOR THE HUMOR:

It helps to look at things in a humorous light.  If your father is constantly nagging you to join the family carpet business and you want to be a doctor ask him if he would like to see you about hair replacement.  Okay, well maybe you better just excuse yourself to help mom do the dishes. 

Show yourself and the world that you are now mature enough to handle things like a mature adult.  Choose to be a bigger, better, stronger, and more responsible individual.

 
DISTANCE DOESN’T SEVER TIES:

“Those who have no communication with their family convince themselves they have no relationship with them.  That they left all that behind.  The truth is that they are just as enmeshed with their family as they would be had they never left, because their entire personae is a reaction to the family caused by their denial of a continued emotional connection.  These emotions regardless of physical distance, are still a strong and motivating force in their lives.” -Mark Bryan

EXPECT IT TO BE DIFFICULT:

When you realize there is a different way to look at the past it can be terrifying.  Without the emotional stories of your past that made you who you are it can seem like your identity is in danger.  However, this is an important step in growing up.  When you learn to see the past through different lenses you learn to be a more complete adult with more confidence and more secure footing.

 
FORGIVE:

We all need to learn to forgive mistakes.  Both our own and those made by others.  None of us want to make bad choices.  We all use the knowledge we currently have to make the best choice we can.  Have compassion for yourself and others.